by Oren the Otter
©1999 Oren the Otter -- all rights reserved
Ah, summertime! It's that wonderful time of year that the grass is green, the birds are singing and the water is warm enough to swim in for more than five minutes at a time. And yet for many, summer means sitting around wondering what in the world they're going to do with themselves. So, to help others alleviate boredom, I've compiled this list of fun summertime transformations to try!
Cow -- That's right, cow! After all, Ice cream is a favorite summertime treat. What better summertime job than to stand in a cooler all day and produce your own ice cream twice a day?
Armadillo -- You say you'd like to play soccer this summer, but couldn't make the tryouts? Just become an armadillo, roll into a ball, and boom! You're the center of the whole game!
Sheep -- Here's the perfect summertime job. All you can eat, plus getting paid for lawn mowing!
Ant -- Tired of pests carrying your picnic off? Be on the winning side for a change!
Otter -- Well of course! Wouldn't you rather be swimming all day? Be an otter! Preferably a girl one. A real pretty girl one with freckles on her nose who's good at cooking and... oh. Yeah. Sorry. Ahem...
Ice Cream Truck -- Wouldn't you love to be stuffed full of ice cream every morning?
Well that's all I can think of for now, but before I go, I would like to take the time to answer some reader mail.
I am a queen ant and mother of five thousand. Things are getting tight this year and food is running low. Can you help?
Please accept the enclosed gift of one dead fish.
My husband has been acting very strangely lately. He sneaks out of the house late at night and comes back soaking wet. That's not all, either. He's been bringing home fresh caught bass, trout, catfish and salmon every day and yet there's no sign that his tackle box or pole have even been used. Stranger still, once I cook the fish, he insists on eating it while floating on his back in the bathtub.
I can't help but wonder what's going on. Why is he acting so strangely? Is there another woman? What can I do?
Worried in Walden
I don't think you need to worry about another woman, but if you want to be sure to keep your husband's interests, I recommend buying a bottle of "Channel Swimmer No. 5", which is available at any of your finer stores, including Spells R Us*, MacGuffins Galore*, or your local Derksen Industries* outlet. This should also help you to understand your husband's new quirks, as well as giving you more energy, fuller hair, and a really nifty tail.
The fine companies listed above with their names followed by an asterisk (*) are creations of various writers on TSA-Talk. To find out more, please feel free to visit the list.