Getting a job isn't easy when you're not human. Not too long ago, I found myself in need of some cash in order to pay off some veterinary bills. (I had to be taken to the doctor after eating some eels that had gone bad.) I thought I would take a job at one of the fast food places in the nearby big city of Ogallala, Nebraska.

Being careful to look my best, I brushed my fur, swallowed a mint to hide my fish breath, and even shined my claws. Striding proudly up to the counter of the Roast Beef palace, I asked for an application.

"Is someone there?" asked the order taker.

"Down here," was the grimaced response.

The interview wasn't much better. The first thing the manager said upon sitting me down was that Roast Beef Palace doesn't normally employ rats.

"I'm not a rat." I explained.

"Mongooses, then."

"I'm not a mongoose, either."

"Civet?"

"Nope."

"Hippo?"

"No."

"Brontosaurus."

"No."

"Lizard."

"No!"

"Gorilla."

At this point, it became painfully obvious that it was necessary to explain to him exactly what a North American River Otter is.

"I'm sorry," said the manager. "We're not allowed to hire those."

"How can you be so sure you have a rule against hiring otters when you didn't know what one is?"

"Well... um... the health inspector would never let us have an employee with so much... er... facial hair."

"I'll wear a furnet."

"You would have to wear clothes, too."

At that point, giving up seemed the most effective course. Having money simply isn't worth the hassle of wearing clothes, especially when you have a thirty inch waist and a seven inch inseam. Wal-Mart has never stocked my size anyway.

That was when I realized just how difficult it is for nonhumans to find work. Seeking to right this wrong, I immediately went out and hired a number of nonhumans to assist me with my gardening. There are now a dozen wasps and a toad working for me in return for all the bugs they can eat.

The toad is doing well. Haven't seen the wasps in a while, though.

To help those of you who may have been turned into animals and are looking for work, here are a few handy tips I've discovered:

Computer skills are a plus. On the internet, no one knows you're a dog.

Try law enforcement. The police have been employing dogs and horses for a long time, in an attempt to raise the average intelligence level of the department.

Never bring a chew-toy to an interview.

Employers are impressed if your skills include being housebroken. Be sure to include it on your resume.

No biting.

Do not eat the other applicants.

Marking territory in the office does not guarantee you will be hired.

Passing a werebeast curse to your prospective employer does not make him more sympathetic.