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The Girl Otter Know
by Oren the Otter
©2003 Oren the Otter -- all rights reserved

Last week, I received an e-mail from a fictional character asking for some information on werewolves. It seemed to me that the young lady was a bit confused, so I thought it might be a good idea to take a look at her letter and answer some of her questions in this month's column.

Dear Oren:

  I hope this letter reaches you soon. I think my life may be in danger. I suspect that my boyfriend is a werewolf, and that he is planning to eat me. I first became suspicious when I found him in the back yard eviscerating a large bird. It was a little alarming, but soon I came to accept his predatory habits as an endearing quirk. Same with his habit of running around naked on all fours. What really got me was when he attempted to eat my ear. Please advise.

Panicked in Pazooza

Dear Panicked:

  You have a really interesting name. Most parents wouldn't want to name their children "Panicked", but I guess yours knew something, because they seem to have gotten it right.
  Anyway, I did some research on your universe and discovered that in your reality, werewolves are insane monsters driven by the power of Satan to kill mercilessly and cause mayhem and terror. As you can imagine, this rather upsets the werewolves of other universes, most of whom are content to lie by the fire and play with a squeaky toy and don't appreciate having someone make a bad name for them.
  However, I believe that your boyfriend is not a werewolf, but a kushtaka, or were-otter. Here is why.

  • First, your name is "Panicked", which would easily activate the protective instincts of a kushtaka. Werewolves tend to hang out with girls named "Mimi", "Bubbles" or "Sunshine". They claim the cute names make them sweeter.
  • Kushtaka have a thing for fish and poultry. Werewolves tend to eat things named "Mimi", "Bubbles" or "Sunshine".
  • Kushtaka like to run around naked just in case they want to take a swim on an impulse. Werewolves, at least in your reality, tend to simply wake up without their shoes and socks. If you don't believe it, just watch any old black and white werewolf flick.
  • Kushtaka, like all otters, like to nibble on ears. Werewolves prefer to finish what they start, preferably with a side of fries and a coke.

  By the way, how deeply did he bite you?


That would have been the end of it, but just yesterday, I received a follow-up letter:

Dear Oren:

Yay! Fun fun! Swim swim, eat fish! Play play play, snuggle fuzzy boyfriend, eat more fish. Fun fun!

Chp-chp-wut-wut-hree (formerly known as "panicked")

I guess I'll never know.

Oren the Otter, Ottercomics

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