Hello, once again, faithful readers! And for those readers who aren't so faithful, hello to you anyway.

Today's topic concerns the transformee in society. There's a lot to say on this matter, but fortunately for you, this is a short column, so I won't bore you with a lengthy tirade. Aren't you lucky?

Accommodating the transformee

Recently, I has the dubious privilege of taking a lengthy bus trip across the country. Being an otter, I am one of the fortunate few who can get comfortable just about anywhere. Such was not the case for one unfortunate man we picked up in Omaha. Most transformees, after being altered, wish to carry on with as close to a human lifestyle as possible, but that just did not seem possible for this individual. Greyhound busses simply are not made for rhinoscerosceroscer -- rhinosker -- one of those big suckers who weighs more than three-quarters of a ton, with leathery grey skin, a bad temper, and horns capable of penetrating quarter-inch-thick steel armor plate. Sadly, this inattention to special needs continues to be the bane of transformees all over the world. Just try being a kangaroo in a movie theatre. Exactly where is your tail supposed to go when you sit down?

I really wish architects and engineers would pay more attention to the needs of the transformed. We don't ask for much. Just the occasional tree in the restroom and doorknobs you can turn with a hoof.

Shopping

It's not easy to shop when you're a nonhuman. Assuming the store lets you in the door (I find that I often have to do my shopping on my lunch break, since most businesses allow 'working animals only') it's not always easy to find what you're looking for. I, for one, couldn't a single clothing store in Colorado or Nebraska which carries suits for the gentleman who is under three feet tall and has a tail. I'm a bit more fortunate when it comes to food. Any reputable grocery store carries tuna, salmon and shrimp. It's a little harder if you're an insectivore; my anteater friend has yet to find a place which carries fresh termites.

Social blunders

Some people don't know quite how to communicate with a transformee. Here are a few helpful hints.

• If in doubt as to whether it is acceptable, avoid sniffing the other person's butt.
• When dealing with a gendermorph, it is generally acceptable to use the pronoun which relates to their present form. 'It' should be avoided. Also avoid such terms as 'freak', 'weirdo' and 'that totally bizarre gal with the big jugs who smells like a man'.
• It is perfectly okay to ask your date if they are poisonous, but bringing antivenin on your first date is generally not regarded as a sign of trust.
• As a general rule, if it tells you its name, it is not prey. This rule does not apply to the legal profession.

Well, that's all the time we have for today! Until next time, I'm Oren the Otter. Unless I'm Oren the something else. Peace and fishes!