Not everyone is a college English professor. Thus, not everyone is immune from using neologisms and epithets (aka slang) and not everyone uses only the "King's English" (aka perfect grammar). Writers have tried to use language to show slang, cursing, level of intelligence, ethnic origins, national origins, thoughts and more for ages. It sounds like it should be simple, but it isn't -- or the editors wouldn't waste their web space giving me this chance to discuss it.

So what's the problem? Just say what you want to say, the way you want to say it. Right?

Sure. Then please enjoy the following except from a well-known and respected author.

  Stephen, an elbow rested on the jagged granite, leaned his palm against his brow and gazed at the fraying edge of his shiny black coat-sleeve. Pain, that was not yet the pain of love, fretted his heart. Silently, in a dream she had come to him after her death, her wasted body within its loose brown graveclothes giving off an odour of wax and rosewood, her breath, that had bent upon him, mute, reproachful, a faint odour of wetted ashes. Across the threadbare cuffedge he saw the sea hailed as a great sweet mother by the wellfed voice beside him. The ring of bay and skyline held a dull green mass of liquid. A bowl of white china had stood beside her deathbed holding the green sluggish bile which she had torn up from her rotting liver by fits of loud groaning vomiting.

This is a paragraph from chapter one of James Joyce's Ulysses. Want more? It's stream-of-consciousness stuff, writing that allows the reader inside the protagonist's head to hear not just those few thoughts that move the story along, but every single thought the poor slob has. Wanna read another couple hundred pages?

The obvious point here is that even great writers can write stuff that you or I might not enjoy. So, the next question needs to be how do I write stuff that reads well and still make it sound believable? And, of course, the answer is to use your characters' words to make them the unique and interesting people they need to be. Let's start with a simple, scene and see how different ways of making the characters speak impacts on the quality of the scene.

  "The hair on my arm. It's growing longer. I can see it growing," Frank said.
  "What do you mean? That's impossible," Joe said.
  "But it is. Look at it," Frank said as he shoved his arm under Joe's nose. "See?"
  "My god, it is growing," Joe said with a gulp. "The hair on your arm is wriggling around like a bunch of snakes as it gets thicker and thicker."
  "And it's not just my arm," Frank said with a quavering voice. "Look at my face."
  Joe blinked once in shock and stared with eyes wide at his friend's face. Then he said, "Uh, F-Frank. I n-need to go. I hear m-my m-mom calling." Seconds later, only the dust from his sneakers could be seen.

Now that's an okay scene. It has some of the color you've read about in previous columns, but it also has some obvious weaknesses, most noticeable of which is the repetitive use of the word 'said'. Let's try it with a bit more variety.

  "The hair on my arm. It's growing longer. I can see it growing," Frank observed in amazement.
  "What do you mean? That's impossible," Joe replied.
  "But it is. Look at it," Frank insisted as he shoved his arm under Joe's nose. "See?"
  "My god, it is growing," Joe acknowledged with a gulp. "The hair on your arm is wriggling around like a bunch of snakes as it gets thicker and thicker."
  "And it's not just my arm," Frank noted with a quavering voice. "Look at my face."
  Joe blinked once in shock and stared with eyes wide at his friend's face. Then he stammered, "Uh, F-Frank. I n-need to go. I hear m-my m-mom calling." Seconds later, only the dust from his sneakers could be seen.

Better? I think so. But I guess, like many writers, I'm just never quite satisfied. Would it help if I changed things just a bit to make it clearer that these are teenagers? How about this?

  "The hair on my arm. It's growing longer. I can see it growing," Frank observed in amazement.
  "Whaddya mean? That's impossible," Joe replied.
  "But it is. Look at it," Frank insisted as he shoved his arm under Joe's nose. "See?"
  "My god, it is growing," Joe acknowledged with a gulp. "The hair on your arm is wriggling around like a bunch of snakes as it gets thicker and thicker."
  "And it ain't not just my arm," Frank noted with a quavering voice. "Lookit my face."
  Joe blinked once in shock and stared with eyes wide at his friend's face. Then he stammered, "Uh, F-Frank. I -- ah -- n-need ta go. I -- ah -- hear m-my m-mom calling." Seconds later, only the dust from his sneakers could be seen.

Again, not a lot of difference, but it is a bit better. How about if one of them starts using some slang? Maybe we can make him black?

  "The fro on muh ma fuckin arm. It's growin' longer. Ah can see it growin'," Frank observed in amazement.
  "Whaddya mean? That's whack," Joe replied.
  "But it iz. Look at it," Frank insisted as he shoved his arm under Joe's nose. "See?"
  "My god, it iz growing," Joe acknowledged with a gulp. "The fro on yo' arm iz wriggling around like uh bunch o' snakes. It's getin' thicker an' thicker."
  "And it ain't not just muh ma fuckin arm," Frank noted with a quavering voice. "Lookit ma fuckin face."
  Joe blinked once in shock and stared with eyes wide at his friend's face. Then he stammered, "Uh, F-Frank. I -- ah -- n-need ta jet. I -- ah -- hear m-my m-mom calling." Seconds later, only the dust from his sneakers could be seen.

The above is compliments of The Ebonics Translator and only slightly edited. If I were write about a poorly educated, funky black character, I might have him speak like that, but I doubt it. The above demonstrates one of the biggest problems with the use of slang: It gets old very quickly. I don't know about you, but by the end of this scene, I didn't care any more about the characters. I just wanted to stop dealing with the slang that was interfering with my enjoyment. That's why many writers just give a single line of slang -- it works for foreign languages too -- and then use the narrative to explain that while this is what it sounds like, you're going to read proper English.

It is possible to write almost exclusively in dialect. Anthony Burgess did it in A Clockwork Orange, but I can't think of another author who's pulled it off. If you think you can write using dialect consistently, good luck. I look forward to seeing how it comes out for you. I know the regular author of this column found it difficult. If you're interested, check out his last attempt at a story with dialog, Prerogatives of the Craft.

Regardless whether you use slang, dialect, foreign language or whatever, as always, start writing.