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Young Things in Love
by Oren the Otter
©2004 Oren the Otter -- all rights reserved

It's February! It's that wonderful time of year when we look forward to the celebration of the grandest of human or inhuman actions, love. That's right, Valentine's day is just around the corner. Soon, couples all over the world will be holding hands, kissing, exchanging cards, sweets and flowers, falling in love, getting engaged, having wonderful dates, getting to know each other better, seeing new facets of one another, getting a little weirded out, suddenly breaking up, wondering what went wrong, weeping pathetically, getting all their e-mail blocked, having their letters returned, hearing from their friends that their ex-betrothed is going around telling everyone that they're the Antichrist...

...or maybe that's just me.

Well, it's said that those who can't do, teach. So, since I am still pitifully single, I've decided to write this month's column about matters of the heart. Let's take a look in our mailbag and see what we have.

Dear Oren:

I am having some real problems. My girlfriend and I are deeply in love. Last Friday, on the anniversary of our first date, I wanted to do something very special for her, so I bought her a gift. I wasn't sure what to give her at first, but as I was shopping in the mall, I found a beautiful ring in an antique store. My girlfriend loved the ring, but after I had slipped it onto her finger, she turned into a sheepdog. Should I return the ring?
-In the doghouse,
New Riverford, Pennsyltucky

Dear in the doghouse:

Why in the world would you want to return it? My guess is that your girlfriend is really enjoying her present. After all, who wouldn't want to be a dog on their one-year anniversary? My advice to you is to find one of those rings for yourself. Just look for the store run by the man in a bathrobe. He'll be sure to have one for you.
By the way, congratulations on your anniversary. May you have a long and happy life together and lots of puppies.

Dear Mr. Otter

I am a werewolf and my fiance doesn't know. Should I tell her before we get married? I'm worried that she'll leave me if she knows the truth.

Teenage werewolf,
Sah, Iowa

Dear Teenage:

The real problem here is a lack of trust. You don't feel that you can trust your fiance and the problem will only worsen if she gets to feeling that she can't trust you. You do need to tell her that you're a werewolf, but before you do, just try to make sure that she's in the right frame of mind to accept you for what you are. Bite 'er. I can guarantee that after her first night of bloodthirsty rampaging and terrifying innocent villagers, she'll be much more receptive to your problem.

Dear Mr. Otter:

I'm engaged to be married, but after a freak teleporter accident, I've become 50% mayfly. My life expectancy is now two weeks. Should I go ahead and get married? I don't want to leave my girlfriend a widow.

Aging rapidly,
Olive, New York

Dear Aging:

This column doesn't go to print for another fifteen days.
Problem solved.

Dear Oren:
My beloved and I accidentally fell down the stairs of the Chernobyl museum together and when we hit the ground, we were in each other's bodies. Now we have a very awkward problem. We are afraid that if we tell our parents about exchanging bodies, they will become angry and forbid us to marry. What do you advise?
-Feeling very weird
Khavaryutudye, Russia

Dear Feeling:

Well, you have two choices. One is that you could move to a different country where men and women dress alike, and thus you could each continue the gender roles you are accustomed to. In Scotland, for example, men wear a skirt-like garment called a kilt. The Iryan Jira of Sumatra wear... um... well, no, people would be able to tell the difference if you wore that.
Your second choice is to stay in Russia and continue acting like yourselves. From what I've seen on TV, Russian men and women are so much alike that no one would notice. (Hey, it's true! I know because I saw it on "Surfin' USSR"!)

Well, it looks like we're out of time for this month. Yes, I know that doesn't really apply to magazine columns, but doing actual work is seriously cutting into my time for playing Pokemon. So, with a quick legal disclaimer...

Letters are not from actual people, animals or other life forms but were made up on the spot for purposes of comedy. Author does not actually believe that Russians look as depicted in Ray Stevens' video so please do not come to the U.S. and beat on him with large aluminum weapons. All opinions expressed in this column are those of nobody in particular and are really pure drivel so don't listen to them because that would be about as dumb as reaching your hand into the garbage disposal to retrieve a spoon and then flipping all nearby switches to give yourself more light to see by. Yes, that dumb. We trust that nobody is truly that dumb, but you never know. Americans seem to enjoy doing dumb things and then suing people. My uncle George did that once, in fact. He fed a bottle of sleeping pills to a badger and then put the badger on his head to use as a toupee. The badger woke up and shredded his scalp so bad that you could look into his ear and see his appendix. It was really gross. Ruined his career as an ear model. Then Uncle George sued the sleeping pill company for loss of income. At least he was going to sue but ended up settling out of court for seventeen fifty and a six hour cassette of Ben Stein's voice to replace the sleeping pills. Uncle George never was long on brains. Do you want to listen to Ben Stein for six hours? I didn't think so. So don't sue us.)

I bid you farewell. Happy Valentine's day, everybody!

Oren the Otter, Ottercomics

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