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oters
pondrengs
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the sykology of trancformashun
by orin oter
©2004 orin oter -- all rights reserved
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helo evryone.
im shure youve notised that im not speling vary wel rite now. youl hav to excus me as i hav bin transformd intoo a hurmit krab and hav a vary smal brayn rite now.
nevertheles i hav a dooty to purform, so i am riting my colum anyway. lets see wuts in the malbag.
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Dear Oren:
I am at my wit's end. My husband, "Rex", was transformed into a sled dog several years ago. While running the Iditarod, he lost his sled dogs in a freak plot twist involving a seaplane, a jelly donut and a man in an earwig costume. Lost and cold, he came upon a wounded Inuit shaman who turned him into a husky, enabling him to pull his own sled while the shaman rode on the back of the sled drinking cocoa and listening to Jose and the Puppydogs on the Walkman.
Rex came home a hero, but now his behavior is starting to get on my nerves. He barks at the neighbors, digs in the flowerbed, and yesterday I caught him sneaking back into the house after slipping off for a gainesburger. Whatever shall I do?
Frustrated in Wolverine Falls
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Deer frostrated:
my furst qwestion is did the shoman tern your huzband bak intoo a man? If not, git him to doo so. If he alredy did, yor huzband may be sufring frum a sykolojikal... sicalojakel... mental condishun wich we call "geeikindalikedat sindrome". rex probibly enjoyd being a dog so much that he is unwiling to let go uf the expiriance. try sujjesting uther ways for him to recaptur his dog day. purhaps it woud be les anoying to you if he put on a dogy costum and howld at the moon evry nite. Thats wut i used to do befor my days in the asilum.
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Chit chitta:
Chee chee chitter chit chit chatta chatta tut tut tut cha cha. Chitter chit chit tut cha? Chee chee tat tat chit chit chatta chat chat.
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Deer Chitter:
lots uf transformeez hav yor problum. the good noos is that yor not stoopid. you simply had the molicyules... malikuls... atoms of yor brain rearangd akording to the patern of a normul squirl. langwij re-traning is avalable at any respectabel TF-relatid institushin... enztadootiin... skool of hiher lerning. look intu taking corses at TFU or inqwire at your locul Hyuman extinxion aguncy ofice.
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if yul excyuz me for a momint im thersty.
wait a minute. This isn't my cherry coke. This is the brain juice from Gremlins 2. Oh, my. That's the trouble with dealing in rare transformative items. You never know when you're going to accidentally drink a client's expensive mutagen. At least I can spell again, but what I can't quite fathom is why I'm wearing glasses now and why I'm speaking like a Harvard graduate. I do feel inclined to forewarn anyone else who would use mutagens to boost their intellect that you'll develop a frightening inclination to use words like "mumsy".
Now then, must dash. I have a two o'clock appointment to go and cancel my three o' clock appointment. Ta-ta!
Oren the Otter, Ottercomics