by The Phantom Websurfer
©2005 Bard and Cubist -- all rights reserved
If truth be told, TSAT isn't all that concerned with the calendar. Sure, we've done an occasional [Insert Celebration Here] Special Issue, but for the most part, we just use what we've got -- never mind that it's St. Swithin's Day or whenever. However, this issue being cover-dated June/July, which pair of months includes such quintessentially male thingies as Father's Day (not to mention various nations' Independence Days), we figured we'd celebrate a quintessentially male activity.
Namely: Pounding the living crap out of stuff, but good, until it breaks.
You know you want to do it
There are webpages for every purpose under the Sun... and this is one of them: A page dedicated to the complete and utter destruction of the Earth. This is not a document for those girly-men who yearn to achieve the comparatively trivial goal of wiping out Homo sapiens, nor the mere annihilation of all life in the eukaryotic and prokaryotic domains, nor yet rendering the Earth's surface permanently uninhabitable by any known form of life; no, this is a webpage for those who -- in its author's admirably concise phrase -- "do not want the Earth to be there any more".
This webpage offers a veritable smorgasbord of scientifically feasible options for the would-be geocide, from the elegantly simple (i.e., "Pulverized by impact with blunt instrument", say, a Mars-sized rock at 50 km/s) to the extremely technologically sophisticated (i.e., "Eaten by von Neumann machines", robots whose sole purpose is to convert ambient matter into copies of themselves). As well, it offers a reasonable sampling of fictional methods taken from (among other sources) comic books, anime, and SF novels.
All in all, How to destroy the Earth is a webpage definitely worth anyone's time. Recommended.
"Gonna be a bright sunshiny day..."
Destruction by fire is all well and good, but the chemical by-products of incendiary substances have a distressing tendency to be poisonous (if not downright lethal), or disturb the ecosystem in undesirable ways. Therefore, we at TSAT cannot recommend such previous gambits as using liquid oxygen as a 'starter' for barbecuing, or exploiting mass quantities of sparklers as the fuel of an impromptu multi-stage rocket.
In all seriousness, there is but one fire-source for the ecologically-correct pyromaniac: The Solar Death Ray. Unlike other options, the Solar Death Ray requires no exotic chemicals. All one need do is mount a number of suitably small mirrors at appropriate angles on a piece of plywood, and temperatures of thousands of degrees are yours to command on any sunny day, virtually at will, through the agency of a simple and reliable device with a completely renewable energy source!
Visit the Solar Death Ray website for information on one man's working prototype, and photographic documentation of various items which the Solar Death Ray has (literally) toasted.
If you know of any sites whose subject matter renders them suitable for inclusion in TSAT, send us the URL!