by Draven Darklight
©2003 Draven Darklight -- all rights reserved
It was a dark and stormy night, but then the rain stopped, clouds parted, and the full moon lit up the sky. Though I could have sworn it was only a half moon yesterday. Maybe someone is messing with it again, though I can't think of any good reason why. I decided it was a nice night for a walk, so chose one of the farther clubs as a destination. I made one more mirror check before I left since I was aching for some action, and it just wouldn't do to look anything less than 100% studly.
I slicked back my short black hair with some gel, new stuff called Hair Razing Moose, which worked well no matter how stupid the name. Decided I might as well brush my teeth, but forgot I had run out of toothpaste. Thankfully I remembered my roommate -- man, was she ever a fox! -- left some when she mysteriously disappeared. Saber-fang brand toothpaste, guaranteed to give you more bite that you even dreamed, just because saber tooth tigers have big teeth, that doesn't mean they know anything about cleaning them, what a stupid product. Finally I added a little eau de wombat rabide. I will never understand why the chicks just fall all over a scent supposedly produced by a very sick animal, but what the hell, it works. Still, gotta wonder what a rabid wombat actually smells like.
At a second look I realized I had a bit of peach fuzz, so whipped out the Bee Buzzsaw shaver, and got rid of the mismatched light brown hairs. I then slapped on some aftershave. New Ginsburg? Never heard of that brand, though it's half empty so it can't be new. I brushed a few hairs off my black mesh shirt, and then rubbed a smudge off my black leather pants. I then noticed one of the buckles on my boots was undone, so I snapped it shut. Oh yeah, looking good.
I left the bathroom, grabbed my keys on the table by the door, then quickly left the apartment, went downstairs, and out into the night. I walked a few blocks to the park, but it wasn't until ten minutes of walking later I realized I should have already been through the small park five minutes ago. It took me another minute to realize it was Central Park, which when last I checked was in New York, not Boston. Shit, not again! I immediately turned around to go home so I could check online and see what had changed, but I tripped over something and fell flat on my face. I looked back to see two things: A brown squirrel at my feet; and a wooden looking naked chick with leaves for hair, and only the occasional small branch marring an otherwise perfect bod. I guess that's what a dryad looks like.
"You have killed one of the noble denizens of this wood."
"What, you mean the squirrel? I think he's unconscious maybe, but not dead."
"Do not try to trick me, he is clearly dead."
With that the squirrel sat up quickly, and looked around.
"See, he's fine." I said
Before the tree girl could look down he scampered away and up a tree. She looked down, and seeing nothing there, scratched her head, creating a rustling sound. Then she looked at me and her eyes suddenly widened. I knew right then and there, that couldn't possibly be a good thing.
"You monster, did you think eating the evidence would save you? It shall only make your sentence all the harsher! Not only must you balance things, but be punished as well."
"What are you talking about? He got up and ran away. Do you seriously punish people for tripping over squirrels? I mean I barely touched him really."
"You lie. The evidence is all over your face."
"What the heck are you talking about?"
"You have tufts of grey fur all around you mouth. How dare you..."
She started into some long-winded rant then, but I just tuned her out. I was rubbing my chin, it was indeed covered in tufts of grey fur, but they were growing out of my face. Damn it, must have been the aftershave. I bet if I had checked the label it would have had one of those 'Warning, contains nanotechnology to serve you better, may cause side effects' labels. It should be more like 'almost certain to cause side effects, we just don't know what, and how bad'. The worst part is it's nothing but a buzzword some scientist made up to get himself famous so he could get rich. Then I remembered the squirrel was brown.
"Look, lady. I just used some magicked after shave and grew some grey fur. Furthermore, since the squirrel was brown I don't know what the heck you're thinking, but..."
"You insult me now? How dare you!"
What happened next was intolerable pain, followed by more of the same for about an hour, and I came out the other end a squirrel tangled in my own clothes. In between there was a lot of screaming and meaningless death threats. It wasn't the first time I had been a squirrel; other than a craving for nuts real squirrels probably aren't supposed to have, and a much bushier tail, it was a lot like when I got turned into a rat. Of course, it was also much like being a cat, a dog, a gerbil, a wolverine, a bear, and everything else I've turned into over the years. These so-called gods really don't know what the hell it's like to be any particular animal, so they just guess. I suppose I should be grateful for their stupidity; if the time that guy turned me into a python is what being an animal is really like... ugh. I don't like to think about it.
"Now all your memories will slowly slip away with your humanity. Soon you shall replace the animal you have slain, and come to enjoy your new life."
"No I won't, you shrubbery-headed bitch." I said.
"What? You can still talk?"
"Of course I can, because you're a complete idiot who..."
I then stopped for two very good reasons. Those being, I realized yes indeed I could still talk, and possibly clueing her in on the nature of her mistake is not a good idea. She just stared at me a good long time while I tried to think of the proper course of action. I decided to yell at her. Maybe not really the smartest idea, but I was sure it would make me feel better.
"First off, I can talk, and as you at least seem to know, squirrels shouldn't be able to do this. Second, randomly punishing people for crimes you only guess they have committed does not make you a dryad, though you got the look down. Third, squirrels can't talk. Fourth, I doubt squirrels have a constant craving for nuts. Fifth, I have only met one other talking squirrel, and he used to be an investment banker. Sixth, dryads protect woods, not artificial parks. Seventh, squirrels are not orators. Eighth, just because you think you're all important because you have a lot of fans for whatever it is you do, remember it's fleeting and eventually you will be forgotten and die like everyone else."
Her eyes narrowed and brow furrowed, and she reached to pick me up, but suddenly I was in some fancy hotel suite I had never seen before. Then, just as suddenly, I was human again. On the other hand, I was also female. I was also still without clothes. The black jackal-headed (but otherwise human-looking) guy in beat-up jeans and a Tool T-shirt sitting on the large bed was almost certainly responsible.
"Why the hell did you turn me into a woman, you loser?"
"Oh yeah, I forgot."
I was about to ask what he meant when the world shifted, or my perception of it did. If it hadn't happened to me so many other times I probably would have no idea what had just happened, but unfortunately I was all too familiar with the sensation. Of course if he really knew what the hell he was doing I should have no clue what is going on, but it seems like none of them really know -- they just use their power and assume they really understand it. Suddenly everything was clear in my mind and I calmed down immediately. Now to see if he screwed things up.
I realized there was a mirror over the desk and took a look at myself. I was naked, my breasts were defiantly bigger, my hair was now apparently naturally black, as I couldn't see my blonde roots anymore, but otherwise I looked normal again, and more importantly remembered what that is. I so despise the gods. At least he didn't change my memories this time. Or he's not as much of a lazy loser as I thought and I only think I'm back to normal, and it's really the 19 years before I met this loser that are the lie and I'm really male, but now just think I'm not. I decided that line of thinking would get me nowhere, so just went with it. Besides, being female explains some of the more confusing things in my past a lot better. Then again, maybe I only think that... Oh, forget it, I need some clothes.
"Take off your clothes."
"I can't believe you've left me stuck as a man for the last eight years."
"Oh. yeah, sorry about that. I meant to turn you back before I left last time, but I forgot. You weren't nearly as entertaining as some people, I don't really know why though."
He was having some trouble getting the shirt over his head, but finally managed it. He then went to work on the jeans, but surprise, surprise, he had trouble with getting them off since he didn't seem to remember how to work a zipper. On the other hand maybe he's just amazed by the size of his crotch, which is definitely amazing, but also terrifying, honestly. Yeah, it's impressive and all, but seriously, a bit of self restraint would be nice to see a least a little more often. Perfection? Hah! Yeah, right. I snatched the shirt from the floor and then the jeans as he finally got them off. I slipped into the jeans as quickly as possible and then put the shirt on equally quickly.
"Hey, what are you doing?" he asked.
"Stealing your clothes, you out-of-your-mind freak-job of a god."
"Oh, okay. But shouldn't we have sex first?"
"Uh... we already did?" I said.
"Oh, that explains why you're putting on your clothes now, doesn't it."
"Yeah, that's the only explanation, sure it is."
I inwardly groaned. Man was this guy ever gone. But all the old gods have lots of issues to work through, and being hopped up out of your mind on who knows what is way easier than dealing with several thousand years of who cares what. Even so, that doesn't make them any less stupid.
"So, is there any particular reason you turned me into a man in the first place."
"Huh. You were a man? I thought you were a squirrel," he said.
"I was a male squirrel when you brought me here, numb nuts. Before that I was a guy, while I'm supposed to be a slightly less busty blonde with dyed hair. And unless there is another rock-star-come-lately, jackal-headed, ancient Egyptian god out there with black fur, I'm pretty sure it was you that turned me into a guy," I said.
"Nope, the Anubis look is unique, baby. I can fix the blonde thing if you want."
"No, I don't want it fixed. I hated being blonde, that's why I dyed it black, and as you didn't go overboard, I'll keep the cup size boost. But you still haven't answered my question."
"Oh, just for kicks dudette. Some guys get a real rager for turning guys into hot chicks, but the opposite is what really gets my motor running. Which is kinda inconvenient really, 'cause I'm mostly straight."
"Mostly?" I said.
"Yeah. I dig the ladies, but I'm not really adverse to a guy doing stuff every once and awhile."
"So you screwed up my life and rewrote reality just to get a boner?"
"Sorta. Usually I don't mess with the past, but you were being all twitchy and upset, and just wouldn't calm down."
"To calm me down, you rewrote history."
"It seemed like the easiest thing to do at the time."
"Don't you have something better to do than screw with people's lives?"
"Not really... I guess I could go help people or something, but that's so boring, and you can only do so many concerts. Though that Moonwolf chick and her Howlers, and Seth what's-his-name and his... uh..."
"Yeah, Maniacs, that's it. They've been going at it for weeks now with that battle of the bands, and only a few short rests, but that's kinda different."
"Because they're way more famous than you."
"Yeah, I guess. Hey, you want to have sex?"
"Why am I even still talking to you?"
I decided there wasn't any good reason and just left. I was not at all surprised Anubis forgot to follow. I rushed into a closing elevator, just barely managing to get my hand in before it closed. I didn't want to be here any longer than I had to be. The only other person in the elevator was some groupie that kept staring at her hands. I couldn't recognize what band the shirt she was wearing was for, but it was definitely a rock band, and not Anubis' Unjudged Dead. I knew I shouldn't have went to that concert, but I figured what the heck, it's only one concert, who cares who the opening act is. What an idiot I was.
I asked the desk clerk about the geographical changes and he said it has something to do with the big battle of the bands concert. Since it had gone on so long, a bunch of gods relocated part of New York, and someone decided that was such a good idea they relocated Miami Beach, and things got worse from there. Fortunately, someone was kind enough to make the maps auto-adjust, so I should have no problem finding my house with one. Then he sold me a map for a mere ten times its listed price. However I realized these were someone else's pants, hence it wasn't my 40 bucks.
I went through the park, being very careful to not even touch anything that might be alive, including some moss growing on the sidewalk, and retrieved my clothes. They now included panties and a bra, so that means at least I won't be the only one that remembers things properly. I so wish that Circe wannabe had actually bothered to fix reality, and not just me. What was his name again, all I remember now is he was blonde and really, really, really gay. Damn, that's annoying.
I decided my apartment was so close, I might as well just go home and change. I was briefly surprised to see a nude woman sitting on my couch, a Japanese girl with red furry fox ears, but then realized it was my former roommate Gen. I think her parents actually named her Gennerica, or something equally complex, but everyone has always called her Gen. I guess her mysterious disappearance was the result of her being creeped out when I was male, but now that reality has been restored, she's back. I saw one of her big pointed ears swivel, then she jumped up from the couch and ran over to hug me. I dropped both my keys and my clothes.
"Oh I missed you so much! I thought this might be the old apartment with all your cat stuff."
"Where the heck have you been?"
"Just across town. I was avoiding you because you make a kick-ass girl, but an ass-wipe of a guy."
"I know, I'm so sorry about that."
"Eh, no problem. No one can stop the will of the gods after all. Well, no one other than other gods."
Gen was just as I remembered her, which (her being one-sixteenth kitsune) is to be expected. Not quite enough to be a demigod, but enough to look 20-something most of her life and outlive me by a few hundred years. She had perfect skin, a body that could start wars, eyes which were both figuratively and literally dazzling, and the rest of the laundry list every self-respecting goddess shared, the sole exception being breasts large enough to suffocate her if not for magic. Gen's were merely beyond the mortal norm. If she wasn't such a good person, I would so hate her.
Still, did I ever miss her, and I'm so glad to have a friend at least most of the gods can't effect with their stupid half-assed reality edits. Moronic Circe-wannabe dandy. I began checking to make sure all the cat statues were in their proper places, the posters were still hanging, and the standup of that hunky cat-faced jerk Leo was not damaged. I will never forgive him for turning me into a mouse, but he's still hot. When I was a guy I still had all of it, though a few more cat-girls, but kept it a bit more concealed.
"Wow girl, other than the boob job and you still missing your tail, you look exactly the same."
"So do you. And remember, I'm not really supposed to have a tail."
"Oh yeah, sorry, forgot. Heck maybe you even look younger -- I sure can't do that!"
"Well, Anubis was off it when he fixed me, so he got a few details wrong. I'm just happy he got as close as he did. By the way, I have his wallet. Wanna have some fun?"
I pulled the wallet from the jeans and Gen giggled, clapped her hands together a few times, and ran into her room. I had been using it for storage, but now all her stuff must be back. I wonder where the stuff I'd put there went? Oh well, I can figure out the new version of reality later, it's club time. First I picked up my clothes and keys, then locked the door. I tossed the wallet and my keys on the table near the door, then wandered into my bedroom, threw my clothes on the bed, stripped out of Anubis' clothes, and folded them neatly on top of my dresser until I could find some moron to sell them to.
I slipped into my underwear, but had a little trouble with the larger bra for some reason. My green tube top was slightly larger, but gave me no problem, and my leather shorts were exactly the same. Some dirt fell out of one boot as I was putting it on, but there was none in the other. I then put on my coat and went into the bathroom. I pulled some lipstick out of my pocket, and used the green one, returning the other two. I could have gothed it up, but I really didn't feel like doing that much makeup. I then remembered my earlier bathroom ritual and checked the aftershave, sure enough it had the nanotech warning. Thoughtless scheme to become a god, what a jerk. I grabbed the cat shaped perfume bottle, and gave myself a spritz or two of Femme Felis. Well, that's enough of that. My hair was mussed, my clothes were still sorta dirty, but... eh, good enough.
We met at the door at about the same time. She was wearing the dress. Normally she just wore a Kimono, or a T-shirt and some baggy pants, but she does own a few dresses. The red dress was very simple, and clearly designed to show off a lot of skin and cleavage, and let everyone know the exact contours of her body. There are only two reasons she ever wore that dress. One being making any guy with the balls to dare dump her regret it. Two, the likely one in this case, to bring most of the male population of one or more clubs home with us, leading to a night of unparalleled debauchery. I really don't feel like it tonight, but there's no point in telling Gen that, she'll do it with or without me.
"So, I see you feel like celebrating."
"You know it! We have a lot of time to make up for, and once the concert ends, geography will probably go back to normal, give or take a building or two. Since it could end at any minute, I want to hook a few international boys before it's too late."
"Once again, I ask how you can possibly consider yourself a good Christian?"
"Thus sayeth the atheist? Oh sorry, false-god-hating Neo-Atheist. Anyway, I'm not really that good a Christian. Other than following the 'no other gods before me' bit and going to church, I'm almost as hopeless as you. Almost."
"Well, hell doesn't sound so bad, other than rotten weather. Besides, I'll have plenty of company if everything in that Bible of yours is really true."
At that we both laughed. I then grabbed my keys and walked out the door. As I got outside I stopped and waited for Gen. She laughed then pointed down a street toward some tall buildings that weren't there yesterday. I followed her as she started walking.
"So where are we going exactly?" I asked.
"Only the hottest club in all of London, now conveniently within walking distance."
"What's it called?"
"The Empress Spoon."
"Weird name." I say
"Yeah, but it should be smoking. It only got moved a few hours ago, so it's full of British guys."
"Are you sure that's a good thing?"
"Not really, but if things don't work out, there are a few more we can try. All the gods at the big concert have been shifting a bunch of things around, you wouldn't believe how many clubs are close now."
That stupid concert. I went there earlier in the week since I like the Howlers, especially their lead girl. She seems interested in fame like most of them, but she tends to do more than just putz around with people's lives, she actually seems to want to help. Though it might just be an act. Plus it takes a lot of guts and brains to write a heavy metal song about subatomic theory. I still don't really understand it all that well, but damn if it doesn't totally rock. Then came the TV coverage, and all the gods showing up, whether they were sports stars, Hollywood people, musicians, cult leaders, or whatever else. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I still don't get how some battle of the bands has become the event of the century. Whatever; at least the live CD should be good.
"By the way, did you manage to make it to the concert?" I asked.
"Did you? I tried on day 9, but couldn't get close enough to hear anything, and some guy threatened to turn me into a Danish if I got any closer."
"Oh, well I actually like the Howlers fairly well and went to see it before the circus started."
"Whatever. I like them well enough, but this whole thing..."
I tripped over the abruptly more damaged sidewalk -- nearly fell flat on my face. I looked around at the rundown buildings in front of us. Guess London's hottest nightclub is in the crappiest part of the entire city. That always seems to be the way. I looked up at the moon and was amazed, it seemed absolutely huge in the sky, impossible to miss. Strange.
Gen helped me up, and pointed at the club's sign. It depicted a woman in ornate robes and a bejeweled crown holding a spoon, but there were no letters visible on the sign. It hung over some steps leading down below what looked like a rundown apartment building, though maybe it's something else. I followed Gen past the huge line to the bouncer, who only hesitated to let her in because he was too busy staring. Gen then turned around, but to both our surprises he nodded me though without a word as well. Damn, do bigger breasts really make that much of a difference? It's times like these I hate men.
Either the buildings above the place are really something else, or this club bought all their basements and linked them together. It's damp and dank, and if not for a huge amount of glow sticks, or lights that look like glow sticks, it would be dark too. On the other hand, all the really good clubs are. Plus the music was loud and energetic, though I couldn't really make it out well enough to recognize it. Then I saw a few guys walk past, and not only were they a well-dressed handsome lot, but they stared at me and Gen for a good bit. Okay, maybe it was mainly Gen, but it still proves they're straight. Then again, one guy looked almost like he was dressed as a pirate, so maybe I'm wrong.
"Wow, Gen, you're right! This is a hot club!" I yelled over the music.
"Was there ever any doubt?"
"I guess. You've never been wrong before -- are sure you don't have some magical ability or something?"
"Sometimes I wonder, it would be weird, but not impossible. My mother can..."
I had heard in detail about her mother's sex trick, always wondered what it would feel like, and was not adverse to hearing it again. Unfortunately, she was interrupted. Even worse, it was by countless people rushing past us screaming as their features changed into various animals. Damn, not again! It was also just then I realized many, though not all, were wearing various costumes -- I guess that guy really was dressed as a pirate. Maybe I need to pay more attention.
I noticed a polar bear wearing shorts and carrying a surfboard. There was also a porcupine in a now-unrecognizable cartoon character costume. An elephant girl was dressed as a ballerina, and a there was a mink wearing a witch costume. Others rushed past me as well, but I couldn't really make them out. Well, trying to make them match their costumes less certainly is novel, but it's still the same tried and true trick. Originality, that's another thing attaining godhood seems to suck out of people.
"Is this, by chance, costume night?" I yelled.
"I know it doesn't happen all the time, but I really don't like to go asking for trouble you know."
"I know, you find more than enough without looking for it. I'm good at finding the good clubs, but that doesn't mean I know every single event the place schedules. I mean, really!"
"Fine, lets just get out of here before whatever god is..." I was interrupted by the music going off at the same time someone started laughing maniacally behind me. "Damn it."
I turned around to see a youngish guy, who was undoubtedly very handsome under the worst wizard outfit I've ever seen, standing on a flying carpet. The fact that a magic carpet didn't fit at all with his old wizard-in-starry-robes getup was the least heinous of his crimes against costuming. For starters his white beard was not only unbelievable, but so didn't match his ridiculous blue wig. Second was the fact that neither was very well attached; his chin and real hair (black) were both easily visible. The black robe and tall pointed hat looked to be made of really cheap fabric as well, as some of the uneven stars were clearly coming off. So with all that, no matter how bad an idea it was I laughed. It took him a few seconds to finally stop staring at Gen, but I still hadn't managed to stop. He furrowed his brows and stared me directly in the eyes, but the effect was ruined when one of his fake grey eyebrows came off. I laughed again and immediately regretted it.
"You dare laugh at me, the great and powerful Craouger of the Tower of Ebon Water? For this you shall pay! You shall soon wear what you most hated. The others here got off easy, for I only transformed them to more poorly fit their costume. They had the gall to suggest my robes were a less than perfect wizard costume. How dare they call my sacred robes a mere costume!"
Then I laughed in his face until the pain started, and a little later than that as well actually. I collapsed to the floor as I felt my insides rearrange. It was like a punch in the arm compared to earlier with the dryad, which was more of a punch-through-my-chest kinda pain. I barely noticed my white fur come in, but sure as heck felt the burning in my fingertips that signaled claws. Growing a tail again, as always, hurt like a bitch, and then it got all twisted up in my underwear, also as usual. I pulled it free with a moderate amount of hassle, but it was still painfully cramped at the base. I wondered what my face was reshaping into, but had a hard time trying to really care.
"Don't think I've forgotten your friend either." He said, then paused. "I think finishing her transformation will be..." but then trailed off suddenly while looking at her.
"Hi, Will. It's been awhile," she said.
"Gen!? Ack! Stay away from me!"
With that he vanished, and other than using a smoke bomb very badly to cover his escape, the scene was eerily familiar. One of these days I will figure out what she does to them. I then felt another moment of male hatred as I realized the only way he could have not recognized Gen is, it took him that long to really and truly look at her face. As my ears reshaped on top of my head and the burning sensation on my fingertips died away without any visible claws, I suddenly realized where this was going. This is so gonna suck. I started walking out of the club, Gen followed me.
"Lets get out of here, I just want to go home," I said.
"Why? You finally got your wish."
"What are you on? I don't want to be a cat!"
"What -- but all that cat-stuff..." Gen stuttered.
"So? It doesn't mean I actually want to be a cat."
"But what about that whole 'tricking the plebeians into worshiping you, path to fame, attaining godhood together' speech you always give?"
"Well, that's different. But to just be a cat woman? Not fun, especially with my allergy."
"What allergy?" she said.
I was about to answer, but sneezed instead.
"You're kidding? You're allergic to cats?"
"Duh! What other reason could you possibly think of I don't have a pet cat?"
"But what about --"
"-- My really and truly furry boyfriends? I have a medication, but I refuse to spend that much money on something, unless it involves sex."
The someone came up to me and hugged me. He probably said something too but I wasn't really paying attention. This repeated a few more times. I sneezed every so often during this time as my nose became more and more stuffed up. I hate this god-given allergy, and I hate whoever created this mandated-hugs-for-the-furry deal, it's so damn annoying. I broke away, left the club, and began walking home. Gen followed.
"Let me guess, the hugging bothers you a bit as well."
"No, it doesn't 'bother me a bit'. It freaking drives me up the wall! I can't stand it."
"Most people like it, you know. But no, you have to be difficult."
"Just drop it, okay?"
"Now let's go, before..."
I was going to say something else but noticed red fur coming in all over Gen's body. Then I realized among the red were, strangely, black stripes. Then I noticed three long, thin, striped tails come out of the back of her dress. I guess this Will guy is pretty popular, whoever he is, this is the first time I've ever seen Gen with a tail. As her face began to become more feline, which at this point I expected, yet also completely confused me. While I was beginning to have a little trouble breathing, I just had to know.
"Okay, spill," I said.
"Black tiger stripes, growing whiskers, fur, etc."
"Yes, that. What else, you idiotic --" I began, but sneezed again.
"Bless you. Well, I told you I was 1/16th kitsune because of my great-great-grandmother, but forgot to mention the ears were because my great-grandfather was a Rakshasa."
"You, forgot. How can you --" I said, then again sneezed.
"Again, bless you. As to how, well you have seen your apartment right? Plus you answered a question about where you got one of your cat thingies. I forget which, but you gave me a detailed description on where you had gotten each one. Clearly you were obsessed."
"Fwirst off you don't need to say bless you ewvery time. Second, it was the animatronic cat monster used in that awful monster movie. Third what do --" I said, then sneezed several times in a row.
"Ble --" She began, but stopped herself. "Uh, and I think it was Night of the Giant Unliving Pets, or something like that. Also I thought you might be a lezzie and figured if I told you both of us would just end up real uncomfortable."
"Oh come one, I can't bewieve you..." I began, then sneezed a few more times. "Let's continwe this lawter, I need to go home and get my allergy medicine. I think I still have sowme left."
I ran as quickly as possible to get home, in the building, and into the medicine cabinet. I was panting by the time I got there and could hardly breathe. Idiotic Merlin impersonator. Sure enough I had a few pills left, and I took one of the little miracles. They were magical, but only had one side effect, and it was one I could live with. Random meows accenting one's speech is not that big a deal, compared to the second job I would need to get for real medicine. Besides that happened only rarely. I heard someone unlock the door and come in just as the pill was beginning to work. Within a few moments my symptoms were gone, and would stay that way for a little over a day.
"The moon looks kinda small tonight," she yelled in at me.
"Really? That's weird, I thought it looked strangely large."
"Huh, that is weird. Oh well. I'm going to go cut some tail holes in my clothes, my tails fell all cramped. You're lucky you have all that stuff from when you still had your tail."
"I'm not supposed to have a tail, or did you forget again. On the other hand I have had a tail enough times to know that cutting a tail hole in your clothing is not..."
I was about to explain why what she was about to was really a bad idea. Horrible chafing if it's too small, too revealing if it's too big, lose clothing rubs back and forth in a very uncomfortable way, tight makes either of the size problems worse, and if you don't seal it some how it's just like having any other hole in clothing, it will get bigger. Then I remembered all the tricks she has played on me in the past, including the one that resulted in me being followed around by all those immortal yipping Chihuahuas for a solid week. Then I grabbed the bathroom scissors.
"Huh? I didn't hear that last part. What did you say?" she asked.
"Uh, that cutting a tail hole in enough of your clothing is really boring. Here, let me help you."
I walked into Gen's room to see her once again naked -- no surprise there -- and cutting holes in her underwear. It was all piled up next to her, and a nearby was a pile of shorts as well. I looked out her window to see that the moon did indeed look very small, very unlike earlier. I then got to work cutting holes in her shorts. I was halfway through modifying her shorts, while she was just barely getting started with her panties when she decided seeing if they fit might be a good idea. The frown that developed on her face as she walking around the room half naked, told me the joke was over.
"You knew this, and were starting to tell me, weren't you?" she said, ending with a slight whimper.
Then her voice rose. "Wow, good prank. But what will I wear once we go to the next club? Or do you think I might try going naked again?"
"No. There is no way in hell I am ever letting you do that again. Don't worry, I got you covered, whether you like it or not. The reason the tail cuffs on my clothes are so big is not just because I had a big bushy raccoon tail, but because for comfort purposes it has to be pretty wide."
Gen followed me into my room, and with a minimum of digging I found the box with my tail-cuff'ed clothing. She grabbed some shorts I almost never wore, then rushed out of the room. I just put on some black jeans and some properly modified panties. Then I realized Gen hadn't taken any. I wonder if that was an accident, or she was planing on using that horrible 'You want to see the color of my panties, but I'm not wearing any' line she feeds the guys. I walked out to see Gen wearing a Seth and the Maniacs T-shirt.
"Take off that tube top and put on your Howlers shirt. We're going to the concert."
"Oh, no we're not."
"Well okay, not the concert itself exactly, but there is a bunch of inexplicable transformation warnings around the edges. By the way, what are you shooting for? Any random species, something specific, or you want to try your luck with human again? You usually have pretty good luck when it comes to getting all pink-skinned again."
"Did a quick Internet transformation site warning search while getting dressed, huh? Okay fine, but why should I change?"
"Draw less attention if you blend in a bit. How many people you think are wearing the exact same shirt?"
"That does make sense. How about lizards? I actually really enjoyed my time as one last time. Other than becoming human again I can't think of anything better."
"Well yeah, but only if whoever's causing it forgets they're cold blooded."
"I bet there is at least one area, isn't there?"
"Yeah, but nagas and dragons have come up too."
"Ick, wings. No thanks."
"The only other good bet involves possibly ending up 20 feet tall. There are only three human ones, choosing between sex-crazed bimboes, herms, and some weirdness that would most likely result in us being Siamese twins with a single vagina. Oh there's also a few sex-change sites that seem to return people to being human, but I assume you don't want to be male particularly."
"It wasn't that bad, but not really, no. I'll risk the wings."
"No matter how troublesome?"
"Yep, and if that doesn't work out, being a herm shouldn't be that bad."
"Sounds like a plan. Then we'll go to Shifting Waters."
"I thought that closed?"
"Nope, it was just located in Germany for awhile. It's back now."
Well, now we had a plan. I followed Gen out of the apartment, down the stairs, and to the front door. I still don't know why she doesn't take the elevator more often. I was following her outside, looking through Anubis' wallet to see how much cash he had left, when she suddenly stopped.
"Why the heck did you..." I began
Her voice had a slight tremor in it. Then I began to look up and saw it. The moon was absolutely filling the sky. In fact as I watched it filled it even more. It was quickly blocking out all the stars as it looked larger and larger. Nah, it couldn't be, could it? As it continued to draw closer I had my answer. Technically there was no way to prove it, but this just had to be some god's fault. I closed my eyes. I doubt it was on purpose, as none of them are that stupid, but still. This is why Neo-Atheism is truly superior to merely not believing in a supreme being, but still giving the so-called gods much needed attention so they can keep screwing with everyone's lives. I will never believe any of that monotheism junk either, but at least most of them teach not to worship other gods. I then opened my eyes again to see a single crater of the moon nearly filling my vision.
"Oh crap." I said.
"Yep." Gen said.