by Indiana Jones
©1999 Indiana Jones -- all rights reserved
The law is ubiquitous in our society, like an octopus with tendrils everywhere. How far can it go and does it really protect us?
Eric looked down at his slim feminine hands and opened his mouth to scream though he was too shocked for any sound to escape from his vocal chords. When he finally regained his composure, he managed a weak, "What have you done to me?"
The voice didn't sound right. Nothing felt right.
"I gave you your wish." a deep gruff voice sounded from behind her.
"I didn't wish to be a girl!" she shouted turning around to face the man who had done this to her.
"Now let's see... I think Erica would be a good name for you now," the broad Arab chuckled slightly. He adjusted his three-piece suit and fiddled with his tie as if viewing some imaginary mirror floating above the sandy beach. "Now I shall take my leave of you! Enjoy the beach." He raised his arms and snapped his fingers only to find that he could not disappear. He tried it again and again with no effect.
Suddenly, a cloud of red smoke bloomed from the ground next to Erica. A slight man with salt and pepper hair appeared from out of the smoke. He was holding a briefcase in one hand and had a manila envelope tucked between his arm. The suit he wore was black but not very stylish. It was conservative even, on his diminutive frame.
"Answer me! Are you blocking my exit from this realm?" Fire literally burned in the eyes of the Djinn. His handsome features were now twisted into a facade of hatred.
The man answered in a low, nasal voice. "Yes."
The Djinn grew more furious and pointed his finger towards the man intent on frying him where he stood. Nothing. Summoning all his magic and anger, he tried to hurl them at the man. Still, nothing.
Erica almost wound up back on the edge of insanity as she noticed that the little nebbish who had appeared next to her had horns growing out of his forehead and a tail swishing back and forth behind him.
"Sir," the little man started as he carefully set his briefcase next to him and pulled the envelope from beneath his arm, "Are you aware of the case of Webster v. Scratch?" He held the papers towards the Djinn.
Looking at his impotent finger as if his best friend had just died, the Djinn stared blankly at the papers. "Excuse me?"
"Webster v. Scratch. Are you aware of the case and its resolution?" the man asked again pushing his pince-nez back to the precise bridge of his nose.
"Of course I am, all denizens of the nether and fairy realms know of that. What of it?" he spat.
"Then you are aware of the ruling. Did you read Mr. -- umm -- Ms. Riley her Rights?"
The Djinn was instantly taken aback. "What rights?" he tried his best to look innocent.
"Then you are not aware that the plaintiff has rights that must be expressed before wishes are granted?"
The Djinn looked as if he were deep in contemplation. Then he said, "I do not recall that."
A little red light appeared to the right of the Djinn's head and flashed while a buzzing noise kept time to the flashing. "Hmmm, my lie detector says you are fibbing sir. I will exact the penalty for perjury momentarily. However first we must undo your spells upon said person and redo them according to code," the nebbish stated. He appeared in Judge's robes with stylized chevrons emblazoned across both shoulders. "Like it? I designed it myself."
Having already determined that his magic would not work, the Djinn started to sneak off, as he realized there was real trouble brewing. Suddenly a horror too unspeakable to describe appeared in front of the Djinn who immediately turned a shade of color that no one had ever seen before. From somewhere on the horrendous creature the words, "Please return to your previous position. Have a nice day." issued forth.
"Thank you bailiff. Any further attempts to escape and I'll let the bailiff do to you what it pleases. Now let us get on with these proceedings."
The scenery shifted and changed. They were no longer standing around on a beach. Instead they found themselves in a courtroom, the Djinn behind one table and Erica behind another. The Judge and the Djinn still wore their suits but Erica now wore a smart red skirt suit completely accessorized right down to makeup, perfume and a matching red leather purse.
She felt slightly self conscious as she was not used to wearing clothes like these. Not the suit, Eric had worn suits before. The fact that it ended with a skirt and not pants is what put him off balance. It also left little of his new shape and cleavage to the imagination.
"Your honor, could you do something about this please?" She said moving her arms up and down her frame to demonstrate, stopping particularly at her now spectacular bosom.
"Not quite yet Mizz Riley. First I have to read you your rights." He said without batting an eye. Then he looked at her and asked, "Unless of course you are already aware of them?"
"No, your honor. I didn't know there were any rights in this sort of situation."
"Hmm, I'm not surprised to hear that, but I do have to read them to you for the rest of these proceedings to take place so here we go."
The courtroom became eerily dark and the Judge was awash in the glow of a red light that emanated from everywhere and nowhere at once. His voice became deep and loud and echoed through the courtroom. "You have the right to remain silent. You do not have to make a wish if you are so inclined. You have the right to Wish Counsel. If you cannot conjure one, counsel will be appointed to you. You have the right for your wishes to be granted as your true desires to the best of the entity's abilities. Do you have any questions?"
"Yes your honor, was all that really necessary?" the Djinn sneered.
"Was that too much? Maybe you would like to take it up with the bailiff." The Djinn felt the presence of the creature behind him and began to sweat heavily. "N-n-no your honor," the Djinn stammered.
"I'm so glad you appreciate my showmanship!" The Judge snapped his fingers and the Djinn sighed, visibly relieved to feel the presence disappear.
"Now then," the Judge said turning back to Erica, "do you understand your rights?"
"I-I-I think so your honor." she managed to stammer out.
"Do you have counsel?" he asked.
"No your honor."
"Do you require counsel?"
"I..." she started, unsure of how to answer. "I guess I do." Then a puff of red smoke exploded at her side. When the smoke cleared a short man stood beside her. Glancing at the attorney then turning to examine the Judge, she thought she saw double and began to get nervous.
Her lawyer sensed her discomfort and whispered, "Don't worry the Judge is an old buddy of mine."
She leaned over and whispered back "Are you the devil?"
"No, even he has not sunk to the level that some of us have. I also sell insurance, run politics and control the stock market. But let's keep that between us. The big boss would flip if he knew we were doing a better job than him!"
She immediately straightened up to her full height. Erica couldn't help but notice that she wasn't as tall as she had been as Eric. Thankfully, she thought, I'm not too much shorter.
The Judge had been shuffling papers. Finally he looked up and said, "You may be seated."
The Djinn, Erica and the Lawyer all sat down while the Judge continued to shuffle through papers. The Djinn was visibly impatient but said nothing, remembering the bailiff. The Judge put the papers down and looked at the Djinn, to Erica and then he cleared his throat and said, "You Djinn did not read the plaintiff her rights. I therefore declare all the wishes null and void!" He banged his gavel on the bench as if to make a point. It seemed like a gunshot to the Djinn
With that all her wishes were voided and Erica reverted back into Eric. His bank accounts vanished from existence and he was no longer Queen of the World or the sole producer of Titanic.
"Umm, sorry to trouble you your honor, but I feel ridiculous here!" he said as he motioned to the woman's business suit which he was still wearing and quite uncomfortably in some places. The Judge waved his hand and the clothes became suitable for him to wear.
"Djinn that was pretty despicable. You should have known the wishes would have been thrown out on appeal. Have you anything to say?"
The Djinn gritted his teeth and if looks could kill -- which in a Djinn's case they could -- the Judge would have been dead. The Djinn was surprised that he was not.
"Your honor, I'm a Djinn. It's in my nature to be devious. These laws are unconstitutional."
With that a lightning bolt appeared from nowhere singeing the Djinn and reducing his clothes to ashes. Still slightly baked, the Djinn whipped up replacements. Eric was unsure whether the Djinn was blushing or if he was somehow still burned from the lightning.
"It would seem the Big Guy upstairs sees it differently. These laws were not made to be constitutional or democratic Djinn. They were designed to keep us from being obliterated in lieu of less dangerous predators such as sprites, trolls, and willow wisps. Once I'm through with you, you must answer to the court of Djinn."
The Judge took a deep breath and settled back into his chair. He grabbed his wooden gavel and banged it on his bench and said, "Guilty as charged. Punishment to be named later."
The Djinn looked worried because he was afraid of being taken away by the bailiff.
"First things first," Said the Judge. "You must now pay restitution to the young man. The standard three wishes plus two more."
"But your honor I am only a humble Djinn, I don't have that much to give..."
He was cut off by the Judge. "Ohhhh Bailiff..."
"All right! All Right!" The Djinn was frightened. "Where did you find that damnable thing anyway?"
"He is a friend of my cousin Cthulu. Despite the nepotism, he seems quite suitable to the task don't you think?"
"Very well your honor. Mortal, make your wishes and be done with it!"
Eric was about to jump in when his lawyer pulled him aside. "Young man I would not do that if I were you. I will negotiate your wishes. You must run them by me first."
"Because you do not want to let the Djinn grant your wishes to his whim. For example did you know that the Swiss Bank accounts you asked for were transferred from leftover Nazi accounts? Sooner or later the Israelis would have tracked you down and brought you to trial in which you would have no defense. The penalty would have been death."
"Whoa, so what do I do?" he asked cautiously.
"You must tell me your wishes and I will write a contract to the best of my abilities to convey the proper intent of the wish so that no harm will come to you or the world. Does that sound simple enough?"
Eric thought for a moment. He had to rethink the wishes. He knew that he should at least get the wording right before even the lawyer got hold of it. "Okay here goes. I want to win 250 million in the lottery."
"That is a good wish indeed, however, let me give you an example of how the Djinn could twist it. As you did not specify a timetable, you could have won the lottery the instant before you would have died. Nor did you specify that you would be the only one to win the jackpot, therefore he could have made you share it with two thousand people. Is that still the wish that you would like to make?"
Eric thought about it for a moment and said, "Yeah, I do but with those extra clauses."
"Very well," the lawyer said opening his brief case. He pulled out a tape recorder and began to speak into it. "I will get you your wish to the fullest extent of my abilities and make sure that it turns out to your satisfaction."
He began to speak into the recorder. Slowly at first then he began to speed up.
Suddenly he sounded like a disclaimer at the end of the radio commercials, speaking too fast to understand.
Eric felt dizzy trying to follow his mouthpiece's mouth and just as he thought he was going to be sick, the lawyer stopped. The lawyer clicked a button on the side of the tape recorder and instantly a pile of papers appeared on the table in front of him. Eric stood stunned. This was all beginning to be too much for him.
"Here we are." the lawyer said pushing the stack towards Eric. He lifted a page and said, "Sign here, and there." The lawyer lifted a few more pages, "Initial here, and here and there." He kept lifting and pointing as Eric kept initialing and signing.
Finally they reached the end of the stack.
The demon grabbed Eric's hand pushed a needle into it. Eric yelped as blood began to flow. The lawyer grabbed a tube and filled it with Eric's quickly seeping blood. The wound instantly sealed up and there was no sign that it was ever there. The lawyer put the tube in what looked like a ballpoint pen and handed it to Eric.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" Eric asked.
"What do you think? The contract must be signed in blood. A mere formality, but you know how these things are. It's tradition."
Eric shrugged and signed where indicated.
"Very good, now for your next wish." the lawyer said.
"You mean I'm going to have to do this for all five wishes?"
"Oh God, this is hell!"
"Actually, you are correct. We are currently in hell. When all this is done you will be returned to the real world. Now shall we? I do have other clients who need me. In fact I have to consult with Barry Sheck and Johnny Cochrane this afternoon!"
Eric gave the barrister a deadly glare and said, "What time is the tee off?"
"Why at three... Hey that's not funny, it's an extremely sensitive case," the lawyer said blushing just the right color to match his horns.
Eric chuckled and said, "Okay let's do it!"
"So what do we have so far?" Eric asked himself.
The lawyer finished dotting all the I's and crossing all the T's and looked at Eric. He shuffled through the papers, straightened his glasses and said, "We have money, being the person solely responsible for Titanic (despite my warnings against it), and multiple orgasms. What would you like next?"
The Djinn just looked mortified and at his wits' end. He seemed as if he needed a drink despite the fact it appeared that he had already downed a few. "Can we please get on with this? I already have a migraine and these wishes will just make it worse!"
The Judge interjected, "Quit griping, you did the crime now you will do the time."
"Okay I've got the last two wishes!" Eric said excitedly.
"Yippee," the Djinn said as he twirled his finger in the air slowly.
"I wish that I could have the powers of a superhero!" he exclaimed.
Exasperated the lawyer made all the necessary arrangements except one and he was too tired to ask which superhero so he picked one.
When he was finished he asked, "And your final wish?" Eric thought about it. It was taking a long time as he had no desire to waste his final wish.
After a while the lawyer began to peruse the papers in his briefcase. He grew weary and Eric kept thinking. The Djinn had summoned a gun and was pointing it at his head.
Finally Eric shouted, "I've got it!"
The Djinn, startled, accidentally pulled the trigger and left a gaping hole in his head. "Now look what you did! Do know how long it's going to take me to repair that hole? What do you think -- Djinn's heads just grow on bodies?"
"Hey that'll teach you to not play with guns." Eric proclaimed and stuck out his tongue to emphasize the point.
"Why you little..." the Djinn started. He began to choke Eric but the Judge's finger appeared, floating in midair before him. It made a back and forth motion warning the Djinn not to act that way. The Djinn smiled ruefully, dropped Eric and patted him on the head. Then he quickly moved away.
"Make your wish." The lawyer said checking his watch.
"All righty then, I wish I could get into the pants of any woman I want."
"Are you sure that is what you want?" the lawyer asked with a sigh, tiredly picking up his tape recorder.
"Yep that's the keeper." He said smiling and rubbing his hands together.
The lawyer instantly launched into his rigmarole and put the wishes into contract form which he then had Eric sign and initial. When everything was finished, the lawyer walked towards the Djinn and presented him with the papers.
The Djinn seemed to know what to do. He took the papers and signed in three places then handed them back to the lawyer.
"What?!" Eric yelled confused. "Why did I have to do all that work and he has to sign only a few places?"
"Because you had to initial that I had done everything correctly, all he has to do is verify he will grant these requests to the best of his ability." He held the papers in the air and they all disappeared one by one as if being filed into thin air. "Now Mr. Djinn, if you please."
The Djinn looked worked up enough to try something sneaky. However to his credit-- or maybe because he was afraid of the Bailiff -- he complied. The Djinn began to power up and became a dazzling ball of light.
Eric felt himself being transported to someplace else. He found himself standing on the beach where he had originally found the Djinn's bottle and all he wore was the pair of swim trunks that he had been wearing originally.
A lottery ticket appeared in his hand. He looked at the print on the top of the form. It read '$250 Million Jackpot. Good Luck!' Eric looked around and found a script by his foot. He picked it up and it read something inscribed on the cover.
"Thanks for the script, editing, producing etc."
It was a Titanic script signed by James Cameron.
Thinking back to the order of his wishes he wondered what was next. He felt a strange sensation welling up inside him. It felt good and warm. It rose from his loins and swept over his body in wave after wave of pleasure. Then he remembered that wish number three was the multiple orgasm wish.
He knew his super-power wish was next, but he could not even guess as to what would happen. Only then did he realize that he had not specified which superhero he wanted to emulate. A tingle started but he could not place it on any part of his body. It grew and then stopped. He looked down but nothing had changed. Testing out his powers could wait until he had the chance but he could already feel the changes taking place for his last wish.
Eric thought that he was feeling strange but he chalked it all up to the wish. He felt the tingling first in his head. His head felt strange, like a slight weight was being added to it, and something tickled his shoulders then his back. The sensation continued downward across his face and down onto his shoulders. He followed the sensation down with his head until he saw the wave as it spread down his torso. His now beautiful blue eyes bulged as he saw and felt his chest expand outwards to take on a beautiful but exaggerated shape. The sensation continued down across his stomach and then his waist and legs until it ended at his feet. He couldn't see the results because of his new endowments but he knew what must have happened down there as well.
His swim trunks reshaped themselves. The trunks began to shrink until they became a black spandex bikini thong. Then it stretched it's way up until it covered his chest at which time it broke in two forming a tight and revealing bikini top.
She almost fell over in shock and a pair of tight jeans materialized around her legs from nowhere, completing the job and Erica landed on her rump. She felt compelled to put on the pants and found they fit perfectly and she was able to 'get into them' quite easily.
"What the hell is going on!" she shouted. She put her hands to her throat as she realized that she had a high dulcet voice that would have suited an angel.
The lawyer suddenly appeared next to him. "You should not curse like that," he said. "Do you like the wishes?"
"Like them? Are you nuts? What did you do to me?"
"Well, Miss Riley, you got what you asked for. I only interpreted the wishes as you requested."
"But I wanted super powers where are those?" Erica asked.
"You got them. Your wish for the powers and to be able to get into any woman's pants seemed to go hand in hand, so you have the shape shifting powers of some obscure comic book heroine. After all you did not specify which hero's powers you wanted, so I had to fill one in."
"So I can change into anyone I want?" Erica concentrated on trying to regain her original shape. She could feel something happening.
"There, am I me again?" she asked startled to hear herself still speaking in a feminine voice.
The lawyer handed her a mirror. Erica screamed and almost passed out as her sister stared back at her from the mirror. "You can only assume female shapes now as per your last wish, being able to only get into women's pants." the lawyer said smugly.
"What? That is not what I wanted. I wanted to be able get laid by any woman I chose!"
"Well I don't think you will have a problem 'getting laid' now. I specialize in literal requests. My weakness is that I do not handle slang all that well. So you got what you asked for literally. You should have phrased the last wishes correctly."
"Well what do I do now?" she asked still whirling from the situation.
"Anything you want. Your wishes will stand as you know your rights and were represented by counsel. You are young, rich and beautiful. You can be any woman you want. Try a career as a superhero. Just remember the lottery pays you once a year for twenty-five years, although you could live quite well on ten million a year. Here's my card. Call me if you ever need legal assistance or insurance."
With that he disappeared, leaving a bewildered Erica standing on the beach with a confused look on her face.